Grandparenting from a distance: staying close when the family is far away

A grandparent who lives round the corner does not have to try. They pick up from school, they are there on Sunday, and the relationship builds itself out of a thousand small ordinary moments.

A grandparent in another city, or another country, does not get the ordinary moments. Closeness has to be made deliberately, and the trap is assuming that love will do it. Love is necessary. It is not a plan. Here is what a plan looks like.

Routines beat intentions

Children live in routine. They know it is Tuesday because Tuesday is swimming. If you want to be part of a grandchild’s week, you need a place in it — not “we’ll call soon”, but “Sunday at five is Grandma”.

A fixed weekly call. Same day, same time, agreed with the parents. It can be ten minutes. Small children do not do long calls, and a short one they look forward to beats a long one they squirm through. Put it in the family calendar so it survives busy weeks.

Reading together over video. Buy two copies of the same book — one for you, one posted to them — and read a chapter each call. With younger children you read to them; with older ones you take turns. It gives the call a shape, so nobody is left saying “so… what did you do today?” into a pause.

Shared projects. Anything that runs across weeks and gives you something to report. Both grow a sunflower and compare heights. Both keep a list of birds seen from the window. A family tree you build together, with you as the one who knows the names. Older grandchildren might teach you a game they play.

Post. Children get almost no post. A postcard every couple of weeks — a drawing, a joke, a stamp — lands with a force no message can match.

Keep the technology simple

You do not need the newest tablet or a dozen apps. You need one video-call method that works on the device you already have and that the parents also use. Ask them which one; do not choose it yourself, or you will be the only person on it.

Learn three things properly: how to answer a call, make one, and send a photo. Practise on the parents first, because a five-year-old’s patience with “hang on, can you see me?” is short. Prop the tablet up so your hands are free; a grandchild wants your face, not the ceiling.

For a child too young to sit through a call, a short video message they can watch again — you reading a page, singing the song, showing the dog — often works better. Older grandchildren may prefer messaging; meet them where they are.

Visits

When you can visit, go for longer, less often, and fit round their life. Offer to do the school run, the nursery pick-up, the Saturday football. Ordinary moments are what you are short of; a visit is your chance to stock up.

When they come to you, resist the urge to fill every hour. What children remember is the kitchen, the garden, the walk to the shop. Between visits, a paper chain or a calendar to cross off makes the next one real to a small child.

Respect the parents’ rules

This is the hard one, and it matters more at a distance, because you see less of the reasons behind the rules.

Their house, their rules. Screen limits, bedtimes, food, how much you are told and when — the parents decide. If you think a rule is wrong, say so once, privately, and then follow it. Ask, do not assume: “Is it all right if I send her a book about that?” costs nothing. And be easy to hand the children to. Parents who know the call will be warm, short and on time will keep making it happen.

Grandparents who are also carers

For many grandparents, “grandparenting” is not a weekly call at all. It is full-time parenting, second time round, because the children’s parents cannot do it.

In the UK this is called kinship care. Kinship, the national kinship-care charity for England and Wales, says more than 141,000 children in England and Wales are being raised by relatives or family friends. It runs a free advice line, peer support groups (including one specifically for grandparents), and free training on everything from benefits to dealing with the local authority. It also reports that nearly one in five kinship carers feels lonely often or always — which is why finding other carers matters as much as help with the paperwork. The Campaign to End Loneliness notes that carers generally are seven times more likely than others to say they often or always feel lonely.

In the US the term is grandfamilies. Generations United reports that more than 2.4 million children in the United States live in grandfamilies — households where grandparents, other relatives or close family friends are the primary carers. Its National Center on Grandfamilies publishes fact sheets and an annual State of Grandfamilies report, and its Grandfamilies & Kinship Support Network offers free webinars and connects carers with local services.

If that is you: you are not on your own, and you are not expected to know the legal, financial and school systems by instinct. Ring the advice line. Join the group. The children need you well, and you need people.

The wider picture

Family is one strand of a connected life after 50, but a life with only that strand is fragile. Our complete guide to friendship and community after 50 covers the rest, and making new friends without the awkwardness is where to start if the grandchildren are the only people you speak to in a week. If you would like it laid out week by week, our Reconnect course does that.

This week

1. Agree a fixed weekly call slot with the parents and calendar it.
2. Order two copies of one book, one for you and one for them.
3. Post a card. Today. It will arrive before you have thought of anything better.